Have you ever…?

Have you ever felt like something was missing inside of you? Like a piece of your heart fell out and you could feel the cold air whooshing around in the empty spot. Well, that’s what I feel now. I have been sitting here trying to pin-point the cause of such internal discomfort, but I can’t. Actually, I can probably guess that it’s a number of things, most of which I just don’t want to admit to myself or to let the thoughts in. Needless to say I was completely fine 3 hours ago, before I sat down to study for tomorrow’s test. Listening to music helps me study, so I have youtube playlists going in the background. However, not all music spirals me into stupid thoughts and feelings, only certain songs, which I wisely avoid as much as possible. I have playlists designed specifically to keep me on point when studying. Yet today, my mind just kept drifting and I stupidly told myself that I will play just “one” of those forbidden songs. Now, guess what happened? Yup, one led to 20 and now all 20 are playing on a loop. Ahhhhh!  Stupid test.

Have you ever said something hurtful to someone but immediately felt bad? I learned this very early on – hurting other people made me feel like crap, so I did my best to avoid such interactions. I relate to people pretty well and can usually see everyone’s point of view and FEEL their pain or happiness. The latter is fine with me, but the painful feelings I absolutely hate. As a result, I keep a lot of things inside and I can’t remember the last time I deliberately said something to hurt someone. Down side? I have a lot of stomach ulcers that come and go for now particular reason. By now, I know the pattern – argument today, paralyzing tummy pain tomorrow. I often wish I could say everything I am thinking, so I could let it all out, but the thought of causing pain has me recoiling in horror. I believe this is a learned behavior from my dad, who rarely gets mad and when he does he just walks around humming a tune. However, when he drinks (socially, on occasion) a lot of stuff comes out that I didn’t know this calm humming man could be harboring inside. At those times, he can be very hurtful and not even realize it. As a result, I don’t drink either. See? Ulcers everywhere…

OK back to the test I go. 

Have you ever felt empty inside or full of words left unsaid? I have.

I wish I could find God…

I often feel as if my life would have been richer if I was religious. Why – you ask? Well, there are a few reasons, but mostly I really wish I believed.

My family has a religion, we are not atheists, but our version of religion is not really what I wish I had. I am often envious of the people who know that there is more to life, that someone out there is protecting them and that somehow everything will work out because God loves them. I don’t know any of it and I don’t believe that everything will be fine. I wish these believes were installed into my brain when I was younger, it would be nice if we attended church and belonged to a community. Instead, we didn’t really talk about God, or the bigger picture. I wish we did. 

My parents just followed through on the way they were brought up since they didn’t know any better. Possibly, I am the only one in my family who wishes things were a little different. However, I can’t say I don’t believe at all. I do, at least half of me does and this half is the one that has dreams of grandparents who had passed away having dinner together in heaven. Still, there is another part of me that thinks dying would be exactly like the last 5 seconds of the last Soprano’s episode – one second you’re here and the next your gone. This worries me. I go back and forth on this issue, but in reality I won’t get to know what really happens until it’s my last moment, my last episode. 

Also, I think families and people where God is a major presence are better people, because they are “God-fearing people”. Of course, there are extreme cases where religion turns into a negative force field that destroy everything in its path, but those instances are not the ones I am referring to when I say ‘religious’. To me, someone with religion behind them is a stronger and brighter individual. It is someone who spreads love in every direction, someone who is kind to all, someone who is wise and thoughtful, someone who is noble, responsible and open. Obviously, you do not need to be a part of any religion to be any of those things, but in my experience those without a fear of a greater power often have no shame and often act in manner hurtful to others without a regard for anyone else but themselves. 

I am not saying that religion is a cure, but I think it helps if practiced properly. I am not saying I do not believe in a higher power, I just wished I believed at my core, that I KNEW that I wasn’t alone and that there really is a purpose. How about you? Are you happy with the way you were brought up or do you wish your parents put more/less emphasize on religion? Do you thinking believing hurt you or helped you?

Failed 5-for-5 Challenge

It's been a week since I joined the 5-for-5 weekly challenge, where I post 5 tasks to be accomplished through the week and then try to complete the goal. Well, guess what? I failed miserably... Why, you ask? Let me give you some excuses...

First of all, I am in the last 2 weeks of school so I have finals and those come first, as I am trying to maintain my 4.0 GPA. Second of all, the weekend automatically cancels out any possible "to-do" things, mostly because my boyfriend needs to go out or he begins to go crazy sitting in 4 walls. And the last excuse, the whole week I felt "blah" and had a very hard time staying focused on anything, especial some of my lists.

So let's re-cap, last week I said I will do the following:


1. Comment on 5 blogs per day 
2. Apply to 5 new jobs per day
3. Go to sleep at a normal hour
4. Complete the group project in psych class
5. Start making flash cards for the finals (booo) 

 And here is the result:

1. I did comment on some blogs but according to my records it was only 5 blogs, so I owe myself 25 comments.
2. This goal completely went out the window due to finals, along with # 3.
4. I actually did complete the group project, but I am still waiting on 3 people to send me their parts of the presentation I can't put this project to bed yet. We present in 2 days...
5. Flash cards are being bumped to next week, due to an English class that requires 2 essays from me by the 7th of May.

New List (for this week):

1. Write 2 English papers. (One of them has to be written from a flea's point of view... huh??)
2. Complete the presentation.
3. Start preparing for the psych final.
4. Find something to wear for Saturday (attending bf's friend's birthday party).
5. Post on my other blog (it's been 2 weeks already - ouch!)

 How did everyone else do this week with their to-do lists? Do you have finals as well? Are they getting in the way of everything else you have to do?

Five-For-Five Challenge

OK, so I joined the 5-for-5 challenge to see if I can force myself to stay on top of my weekly goals. The only way I can keep my life organized is lists, lists, lists. I actually have a little notebook full of running lists – school list, work list, this blog list, other blog list, personal to do list, shopping list and so on. I am now starting to think that I need to dedicate an hour per day to getting at least one of the “to-do” things of my list because the lists are only getting longer.

Yikes!

This is my list for this week:

1. Comment on 5 blogs per day 
2. Apply to 5 new jobs per day
3. Go to sleep at a normal hour
4. Complete the group project in psych class
5. Start making flash cards for the finals (booo)

Well, that should do it for now :) 

To read more about this challenge go to: five-for-five

What are some of the tasks you are having a hard time staying on top of?

A Case Of He Said / She Said...

Here is a little poem I wrote as a class assignment a few years ago. Even though it doesn't reflect how i felt at that time, but it does ring true to something I felt a few times before, as I am sure you have as well, at least once in your life. The topic was brought on by the notion of how what we hear (especially in relationships) differs from what was actually said to us. It works both ways. Since we all hear what we want anyways, good or bad, it often helps to clear things up. However, the poem talks about a different case of "saying what you mean", as in trying to interpret the things that are said during break ups in a way that tells us the damaging truth instead of a kind lie we were told. Girls are especially guilty of searching for a secret meaning behind every word the poor guy utters, we try to decode them and study them in hopes of figuring out how they really feel about us, when in fact what they say IS what they feel and what they mean, but that's a whole other post... So without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, here is my poetic creation:


“It’s not you, it’s me…”

He said “I’m not ready for anything serious”,
I heard “I’m not ready for anything serious with you”.

He said “My work schedule is ridiculous”,
I heard “I simply don’t want to make time for you”.

He said “I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore”,
I heard “You were just an easy past time, I outgrew”.

He said “A girl like you deserves so much more”,
I heard “I’m tired of trying, its time to let go”.

He said, he yelled, he whispered “sorry”,
I heard, I felt, I cried “don’t worry”.

He said “good bye” and walked away,
I heard “forget me” and drowned in pain.

He said the words that broke my heart,
I heard my soul strings slash apart.

He said every excuse he thought I had to hear,
But all I heard is what I feared:

“It’s not me - it’s YOU, my dear…”


Have you ever felt this way or been in a similar situation?  Feel free to share :)

PS. Please do not steal and plagiarize my work, if you want to re-share the poem else where, please link back to my blog. It's not too hard for me to ran a scan on this poem, since I know that only 4 people have read it thus far. Be nice!

Tragic Explosion In West, Texas...

If you are just waking up here is a brief update on the current news, unfortunately, the news aren’t good – yet another tragedy to shake the country this week -  explosion at the fertilizer plant in West, Texas.

Around 7 p.m. (local time) a fire broke out at the local fertilizer plant in a small town of West, Texas. According to the eyewitnesses, 15 minutes after the first emergency personal arrived and most of the plant was evacuated, the plant exploded. The explosion was so large that even 20 miles away the local residents felt aftershocks and the initial seismology reports show readings above 2.0 on the Richter scale. Additionally, the residents described the explosion as a “nuclear bomb” and Oklahoma like- bombing, however, there are no reports of foul play and no one is talking about terrorism or sabotage. Currently, the emergency services are focusing on search and rescue operations of the collapsed and damaged houses. There is an ongoing concern about air quality due to the fumes released from the plant and some “difficult breathing” incidents were reported. Unfortunately, initial estimates predict a high death toll due to the magnitude of the blast and so far approximately 150 people were treated for injuries. Emergency and medical assistance is pouring into the town, as the local residents evacuate and look for a temporary residence. 

It is so crazy that it’s the second time this week a massive tragedy is plastered all over our news channels. I truly hope that the residents of West, TX recover quickly and effortlessly after this tragedy and I pray that those unaccounted for at the moment will be found safe and sound so they can be reunited with their loved ones.

Stay strong Texas!

My Source Of Free Images

When I started this blog, I knew I will have to use some images, but since I am trying to keep myself anonymous I couldn’t use any of my original photography. I really didn’t want to pay a ton of money to an image stock website since I am not making any money from this blog and I absolutely don’t want to get in trouble by using images from Google, as in other people’s images. Luckily, after some research I discovered this lovely website called “Pixabay”, where all images are free and can be used in any way you please, which is awesome. They have a pretty large selection and I haven’t felt like I couldn’t find a picture to represent my thoughts of a particular blog post yet. So if you are looking for a great resource to add to your blog’s overall design and feel, I suggest you check out Pixabay. Of course original photography is always best, but it is not an option for everyone. Yet it’s better to use stock photography than to steal other people’s work – don’t do it, there are better options out there.

Your turn: Where do you get the images for your blog/site these days?