Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Have you ever…?

Have you ever felt like something was missing inside of you? Like a piece of your heart fell out and you could feel the cold air whooshing around in the empty spot. Well, that’s what I feel now. I have been sitting here trying to pin-point the cause of such internal discomfort, but I can’t. Actually, I can probably guess that it’s a number of things, most of which I just don’t want to admit to myself or to let the thoughts in. Needless to say I was completely fine 3 hours ago, before I sat down to study for tomorrow’s test. Listening to music helps me study, so I have youtube playlists going in the background. However, not all music spirals me into stupid thoughts and feelings, only certain songs, which I wisely avoid as much as possible. I have playlists designed specifically to keep me on point when studying. Yet today, my mind just kept drifting and I stupidly told myself that I will play just “one” of those forbidden songs. Now, guess what happened? Yup, one led to 20 and now all 20 are playing on a loop. Ahhhhh!  Stupid test.

Have you ever said something hurtful to someone but immediately felt bad? I learned this very early on – hurting other people made me feel like crap, so I did my best to avoid such interactions. I relate to people pretty well and can usually see everyone’s point of view and FEEL their pain or happiness. The latter is fine with me, but the painful feelings I absolutely hate. As a result, I keep a lot of things inside and I can’t remember the last time I deliberately said something to hurt someone. Down side? I have a lot of stomach ulcers that come and go for now particular reason. By now, I know the pattern – argument today, paralyzing tummy pain tomorrow. I often wish I could say everything I am thinking, so I could let it all out, but the thought of causing pain has me recoiling in horror. I believe this is a learned behavior from my dad, who rarely gets mad and when he does he just walks around humming a tune. However, when he drinks (socially, on occasion) a lot of stuff comes out that I didn’t know this calm humming man could be harboring inside. At those times, he can be very hurtful and not even realize it. As a result, I don’t drink either. See? Ulcers everywhere…

OK back to the test I go. 

Have you ever felt empty inside or full of words left unsaid? I have.


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