I wish I could find God…

I often feel as if my life would have been richer if I was religious. Why – you ask? Well, there are a few reasons, but mostly I really wish I believed.

My family has a religion, we are not atheists, but our version of religion is not really what I wish I had. I am often envious of the people who know that there is more to life, that someone out there is protecting them and that somehow everything will work out because God loves them. I don’t know any of it and I don’t believe that everything will be fine. I wish these believes were installed into my brain when I was younger, it would be nice if we attended church and belonged to a community. Instead, we didn’t really talk about God, or the bigger picture. I wish we did. 

My parents just followed through on the way they were brought up since they didn’t know any better. Possibly, I am the only one in my family who wishes things were a little different. However, I can’t say I don’t believe at all. I do, at least half of me does and this half is the one that has dreams of grandparents who had passed away having dinner together in heaven. Still, there is another part of me that thinks dying would be exactly like the last 5 seconds of the last Soprano’s episode – one second you’re here and the next your gone. This worries me. I go back and forth on this issue, but in reality I won’t get to know what really happens until it’s my last moment, my last episode. 

Also, I think families and people where God is a major presence are better people, because they are “God-fearing people”. Of course, there are extreme cases where religion turns into a negative force field that destroy everything in its path, but those instances are not the ones I am referring to when I say ‘religious’. To me, someone with religion behind them is a stronger and brighter individual. It is someone who spreads love in every direction, someone who is kind to all, someone who is wise and thoughtful, someone who is noble, responsible and open. Obviously, you do not need to be a part of any religion to be any of those things, but in my experience those without a fear of a greater power often have no shame and often act in manner hurtful to others without a regard for anyone else but themselves. 

I am not saying that religion is a cure, but I think it helps if practiced properly. I am not saying I do not believe in a higher power, I just wished I believed at my core, that I KNEW that I wasn’t alone and that there really is a purpose. How about you? Are you happy with the way you were brought up or do you wish your parents put more/less emphasize on religion? Do you thinking believing hurt you or helped you?