Thursday, May 30, 2013

I wish I could find God…

I often feel as if my life would have been richer if I was religious. Why – you ask? Well, there are a few reasons, but mostly I really wish I believed.

My family has a religion, we are not atheists, but our version of religion is not really what I wish I had. I am often envious of the people who know that there is more to life, that someone out there is protecting them and that somehow everything will work out because God loves them. I don’t know any of it and I don’t believe that everything will be fine. I wish these believes were installed into my brain when I was younger, it would be nice if we attended church and belonged to a community. Instead, we didn’t really talk about God, or the bigger picture. I wish we did. 

My parents just followed through on the way they were brought up since they didn’t know any better. Possibly, I am the only one in my family who wishes things were a little different. However, I can’t say I don’t believe at all. I do, at least half of me does and this half is the one that has dreams of grandparents who had passed away having dinner together in heaven. Still, there is another part of me that thinks dying would be exactly like the last 5 seconds of the last Soprano’s episode – one second you’re here and the next your gone. This worries me. I go back and forth on this issue, but in reality I won’t get to know what really happens until it’s my last moment, my last episode. 

Also, I think families and people where God is a major presence are better people, because they are “God-fearing people”. Of course, there are extreme cases where religion turns into a negative force field that destroy everything in its path, but those instances are not the ones I am referring to when I say ‘religious’. To me, someone with religion behind them is a stronger and brighter individual. It is someone who spreads love in every direction, someone who is kind to all, someone who is wise and thoughtful, someone who is noble, responsible and open. Obviously, you do not need to be a part of any religion to be any of those things, but in my experience those without a fear of a greater power often have no shame and often act in manner hurtful to others without a regard for anyone else but themselves. 

I am not saying that religion is a cure, but I think it helps if practiced properly. I am not saying I do not believe in a higher power, I just wished I believed at my core, that I KNEW that I wasn’t alone and that there really is a purpose. How about you? Are you happy with the way you were brought up or do you wish your parents put more/less emphasize on religion? Do you thinking believing hurt you or helped you?

3 comments:

joyinthemidstof said...

What a beautiful and honest post. For me, I grew up Christian and I went to a Christian college, but if anything I was more confused the older I got. I never struggle with knowing there is a God or feeling connected to God, but I struggle with what I believe as far as doctrine and religion goes. Interesting isn't it?

D said...

i'm glad you posted something again! :)

for me, it's the other way around. my parents are christians, so i grew up as a christian as well. but what i found was that people who don't believe in God are way more honest and loving. people from my church are often a bit sanctimonious. they act the way they think they are supposed to act, while if they didn't believe in God, they would act very different. they are limited in their freedom to be who they are.

and i often wonder if i believe in God because i do, or because i was taught to. that confuses me a lot. that why i don't 'know' either..

Lazy Little Lion said...

joyinthemidstof - hi there :)

I didn't even know there were Christian colleges :) I think feeling connected the way you do, is probably more important than following a specific doctrine. I feel like i am getting more confused with as age as well, but i think that also changes once you get to your later years and start believing everything, because not believing is just too scary. :)

D - Hi! :)

I will try to post more over the weekend as well :)

I wonder if my idea of "people with God" is more based on media, where families are only seen at their best, like the - 18 kids and counting show. Were we live, there aren't many families that go to church on Sundays, so i don't think i have first hand experience with people who really believe in God, so maybe you are right? Maybe i should do a poll, now i'm curious :)

I actually think a lot of people are confused about their religion or faith in general, they just don't talk about it much - i wonder why?

PS. Can't figure out how to reply to each comment individually - sovvy =/

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