Have you ever…?

Have you ever felt like something was missing inside of you? Like a piece of your heart fell out and you could feel the cold air whooshing around in the empty spot. Well, that’s what I feel now. I have been sitting here trying to pin-point the cause of such internal discomfort, but I can’t. Actually, I can probably guess that it’s a number of things, most of which I just don’t want to admit to myself or to let the thoughts in. Needless to say I was completely fine 3 hours ago, before I sat down to study for tomorrow’s test. Listening to music helps me study, so I have youtube playlists going in the background. However, not all music spirals me into stupid thoughts and feelings, only certain songs, which I wisely avoid as much as possible. I have playlists designed specifically to keep me on point when studying. Yet today, my mind just kept drifting and I stupidly told myself that I will play just “one” of those forbidden songs. Now, guess what happened? Yup, one led to 20 and now all 20 are playing on a loop. Ahhhhh!  Stupid test.

Have you ever said something hurtful to someone but immediately felt bad? I learned this very early on – hurting other people made me feel like crap, so I did my best to avoid such interactions. I relate to people pretty well and can usually see everyone’s point of view and FEEL their pain or happiness. The latter is fine with me, but the painful feelings I absolutely hate. As a result, I keep a lot of things inside and I can’t remember the last time I deliberately said something to hurt someone. Down side? I have a lot of stomach ulcers that come and go for now particular reason. By now, I know the pattern – argument today, paralyzing tummy pain tomorrow. I often wish I could say everything I am thinking, so I could let it all out, but the thought of causing pain has me recoiling in horror. I believe this is a learned behavior from my dad, who rarely gets mad and when he does he just walks around humming a tune. However, when he drinks (socially, on occasion) a lot of stuff comes out that I didn’t know this calm humming man could be harboring inside. At those times, he can be very hurtful and not even realize it. As a result, I don’t drink either. See? Ulcers everywhere…

OK back to the test I go. 

Have you ever felt empty inside or full of words left unsaid? I have.

I wish I could find God…

I often feel as if my life would have been richer if I was religious. Why – you ask? Well, there are a few reasons, but mostly I really wish I believed.

My family has a religion, we are not atheists, but our version of religion is not really what I wish I had. I am often envious of the people who know that there is more to life, that someone out there is protecting them and that somehow everything will work out because God loves them. I don’t know any of it and I don’t believe that everything will be fine. I wish these believes were installed into my brain when I was younger, it would be nice if we attended church and belonged to a community. Instead, we didn’t really talk about God, or the bigger picture. I wish we did. 

My parents just followed through on the way they were brought up since they didn’t know any better. Possibly, I am the only one in my family who wishes things were a little different. However, I can’t say I don’t believe at all. I do, at least half of me does and this half is the one that has dreams of grandparents who had passed away having dinner together in heaven. Still, there is another part of me that thinks dying would be exactly like the last 5 seconds of the last Soprano’s episode – one second you’re here and the next your gone. This worries me. I go back and forth on this issue, but in reality I won’t get to know what really happens until it’s my last moment, my last episode. 

Also, I think families and people where God is a major presence are better people, because they are “God-fearing people”. Of course, there are extreme cases where religion turns into a negative force field that destroy everything in its path, but those instances are not the ones I am referring to when I say ‘religious’. To me, someone with religion behind them is a stronger and brighter individual. It is someone who spreads love in every direction, someone who is kind to all, someone who is wise and thoughtful, someone who is noble, responsible and open. Obviously, you do not need to be a part of any religion to be any of those things, but in my experience those without a fear of a greater power often have no shame and often act in manner hurtful to others without a regard for anyone else but themselves. 

I am not saying that religion is a cure, but I think it helps if practiced properly. I am not saying I do not believe in a higher power, I just wished I believed at my core, that I KNEW that I wasn’t alone and that there really is a purpose. How about you? Are you happy with the way you were brought up or do you wish your parents put more/less emphasize on religion? Do you thinking believing hurt you or helped you?

Failed 5-for-5 Challenge

It's been a week since I joined the 5-for-5 weekly challenge, where I post 5 tasks to be accomplished through the week and then try to complete the goal. Well, guess what? I failed miserably... Why, you ask? Let me give you some excuses...

First of all, I am in the last 2 weeks of school so I have finals and those come first, as I am trying to maintain my 4.0 GPA. Second of all, the weekend automatically cancels out any possible "to-do" things, mostly because my boyfriend needs to go out or he begins to go crazy sitting in 4 walls. And the last excuse, the whole week I felt "blah" and had a very hard time staying focused on anything, especial some of my lists.

So let's re-cap, last week I said I will do the following:


1. Comment on 5 blogs per day 
2. Apply to 5 new jobs per day
3. Go to sleep at a normal hour
4. Complete the group project in psych class
5. Start making flash cards for the finals (booo) 

 And here is the result:

1. I did comment on some blogs but according to my records it was only 5 blogs, so I owe myself 25 comments.
2. This goal completely went out the window due to finals, along with # 3.
4. I actually did complete the group project, but I am still waiting on 3 people to send me their parts of the presentation I can't put this project to bed yet. We present in 2 days...
5. Flash cards are being bumped to next week, due to an English class that requires 2 essays from me by the 7th of May.

New List (for this week):

1. Write 2 English papers. (One of them has to be written from a flea's point of view... huh??)
2. Complete the presentation.
3. Start preparing for the psych final.
4. Find something to wear for Saturday (attending bf's friend's birthday party).
5. Post on my other blog (it's been 2 weeks already - ouch!)

 How did everyone else do this week with their to-do lists? Do you have finals as well? Are they getting in the way of everything else you have to do?

Five-For-Five Challenge

OK, so I joined the 5-for-5 challenge to see if I can force myself to stay on top of my weekly goals. The only way I can keep my life organized is lists, lists, lists. I actually have a little notebook full of running lists – school list, work list, this blog list, other blog list, personal to do list, shopping list and so on. I am now starting to think that I need to dedicate an hour per day to getting at least one of the “to-do” things of my list because the lists are only getting longer.

Yikes!

This is my list for this week:

1. Comment on 5 blogs per day 
2. Apply to 5 new jobs per day
3. Go to sleep at a normal hour
4. Complete the group project in psych class
5. Start making flash cards for the finals (booo)

Well, that should do it for now :) 

To read more about this challenge go to: five-for-five

What are some of the tasks you are having a hard time staying on top of?

A Case Of He Said / She Said...

Here is a little poem I wrote as a class assignment a few years ago. Even though it doesn't reflect how i felt at that time, but it does ring true to something I felt a few times before, as I am sure you have as well, at least once in your life. The topic was brought on by the notion of how what we hear (especially in relationships) differs from what was actually said to us. It works both ways. Since we all hear what we want anyways, good or bad, it often helps to clear things up. However, the poem talks about a different case of "saying what you mean", as in trying to interpret the things that are said during break ups in a way that tells us the damaging truth instead of a kind lie we were told. Girls are especially guilty of searching for a secret meaning behind every word the poor guy utters, we try to decode them and study them in hopes of figuring out how they really feel about us, when in fact what they say IS what they feel and what they mean, but that's a whole other post... So without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, here is my poetic creation:


“It’s not you, it’s me…”

He said “I’m not ready for anything serious”,
I heard “I’m not ready for anything serious with you”.

He said “My work schedule is ridiculous”,
I heard “I simply don’t want to make time for you”.

He said “I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore”,
I heard “You were just an easy past time, I outgrew”.

He said “A girl like you deserves so much more”,
I heard “I’m tired of trying, its time to let go”.

He said, he yelled, he whispered “sorry”,
I heard, I felt, I cried “don’t worry”.

He said “good bye” and walked away,
I heard “forget me” and drowned in pain.

He said the words that broke my heart,
I heard my soul strings slash apart.

He said every excuse he thought I had to hear,
But all I heard is what I feared:

“It’s not me - it’s YOU, my dear…”


Have you ever felt this way or been in a similar situation?  Feel free to share :)

PS. Please do not steal and plagiarize my work, if you want to re-share the poem else where, please link back to my blog. It's not too hard for me to ran a scan on this poem, since I know that only 4 people have read it thus far. Be nice!

Tragic Explosion In West, Texas...

If you are just waking up here is a brief update on the current news, unfortunately, the news aren’t good – yet another tragedy to shake the country this week -  explosion at the fertilizer plant in West, Texas.

Around 7 p.m. (local time) a fire broke out at the local fertilizer plant in a small town of West, Texas. According to the eyewitnesses, 15 minutes after the first emergency personal arrived and most of the plant was evacuated, the plant exploded. The explosion was so large that even 20 miles away the local residents felt aftershocks and the initial seismology reports show readings above 2.0 on the Richter scale. Additionally, the residents described the explosion as a “nuclear bomb” and Oklahoma like- bombing, however, there are no reports of foul play and no one is talking about terrorism or sabotage. Currently, the emergency services are focusing on search and rescue operations of the collapsed and damaged houses. There is an ongoing concern about air quality due to the fumes released from the plant and some “difficult breathing” incidents were reported. Unfortunately, initial estimates predict a high death toll due to the magnitude of the blast and so far approximately 150 people were treated for injuries. Emergency and medical assistance is pouring into the town, as the local residents evacuate and look for a temporary residence. 

It is so crazy that it’s the second time this week a massive tragedy is plastered all over our news channels. I truly hope that the residents of West, TX recover quickly and effortlessly after this tragedy and I pray that those unaccounted for at the moment will be found safe and sound so they can be reunited with their loved ones.

Stay strong Texas!

My Source Of Free Images

When I started this blog, I knew I will have to use some images, but since I am trying to keep myself anonymous I couldn’t use any of my original photography. I really didn’t want to pay a ton of money to an image stock website since I am not making any money from this blog and I absolutely don’t want to get in trouble by using images from Google, as in other people’s images. Luckily, after some research I discovered this lovely website called “Pixabay”, where all images are free and can be used in any way you please, which is awesome. They have a pretty large selection and I haven’t felt like I couldn’t find a picture to represent my thoughts of a particular blog post yet. So if you are looking for a great resource to add to your blog’s overall design and feel, I suggest you check out Pixabay. Of course original photography is always best, but it is not an option for everyone. Yet it’s better to use stock photography than to steal other people’s work – don’t do it, there are better options out there.

Your turn: Where do you get the images for your blog/site these days?

The Boston Marathon Bombing...

April 15, 2013 will now mark the day another tragedy struck United States.  The news about a bombing at the Boston Marathon began to circulate the media a little after 3 p.m. (CST), soon thereafter every media outlet picked up the story and was reporting on the two explosions that took place near the finish line. The footage of the first explosion quickly appeared everywhere, showing the first explosion followed by a cloud of smoke. In the initial reports, this explosion wasn’t identified as a bomb, but once the reports of the second cloud of smoke began to come in, most newscasters stopped calling it a “possible explosion” and began using the words “bomb” and “bombing”. Honestly, after watching the first available video I didn’t realize the full extent of the injuries and the severity of the situation. The initial video didn’t have audio and was shot from a far, so the “boom” didn’t look too scary on my screen, which explains why people didn’t jump to conclusions right away. Unfortunately, the following reports and new pictures demonstrated a different story – there was a second bomb down the street and both were significant enough to shatter glass in nearby buildings, to injure 100 plus innocent bystanders and to kill 3 people (as per latest reports). At this point (12 hours after the bombing) no one has come forward to claim responsibility for this tragedy and no one has been named responsible by the state and federal agencies as of yet.

As I was browsing through the latest information on the Boston bombing, I came across reports that sent chills down my back, especially the statements of Newtown, CT residents who were invited to participate in the marathon as a tribute to the children lost in the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting massacre. The first 26 miles of the Boston Marathon were dedicated to the 26 children lost in the Connecticut shooting and some families who lost loved ones on that fateful day were seated in the bleachers at the finish line right across from the first explosion.  I don’t even know what to say here, except – I am so glad you all are safe!

On another note, something else I noticed in the post explosion footage is the reaction of the emergency personnel – when everyone runs away, they ran towards the blast. This never fails to amaze me, the bravery of these men and women who go against all their biological instincts and ran towards danger for the sake of others. We have witnessed the full extent of their selfless actions on 9/11, today and every other day that they have put other’s safety before their own. I truly believe that they don’t get enough credit for what they do on the daily bases, so THANK YOU and BLESS YOU.

Tonight, I really hope that the people injured in the Boston Bombing will recover quickly and effortlessly, while my heart goes out to those who lost their loved ones – you are in our thoughts and prayers!

Clothing Shazam-Like App?

Have you ever walked passed someone who was wearing an item of clothing you absolutely loved and had to have? Do you dare to go ask the stranger with excellent fashion sense as to where they got that jacket or that blouse? Well, I wouldn’t, all I can master up courage for is to snap a mental picture of that item in hopes of finding it later online, but chances are I will never find it. This happens to me quite often, especially while watching TV, and I can’t help but wish that there was an app for that…

Wouldn’t it be great if you could just point your phone at a person who’s outfit you like (as if you were about to take a picture) and your phone told you were the entire item came from? For example, imagine yourself watching a movie, when all of a sudden you see your dream jacket on one of the actresses – then you quickly grab your phone, position it over the screen and open this magical app that automatically tells you what store the said jacket could be bought from. Not only that, you also find out that the jacket costs $399.99 and it is still available in your size and now all you have to do (granted you have that kind of cash sitting around) is press an “order” button and just like that the item is shipped to you. Here is an example of how I think the app should/would work.

To make something like this work, all items of clothing would have to have some sort of “scanable” code system, which could be read from a far by a cell phone. Also, that means that any item you buy will also have such technology so anything you do own and have ever bough can be “scanned” in a matter of seconds, which is a thought that could freak some people out. However, all I am talking about is a simple fashion app that I would like to have active on my phone immediately so I wouldn’t have to waste any more time shopping around for a similar something that I saw on someone last week… 

Of course, such technology is not available to us yet, but it is very possible that one day it will be and when that day comes I truly hope I am rich enough to not acquire an extremely large debt through this oh-so-convenient app.  

I wonder what you think - Is this app idea too far out there and will never be feasible? Or is such technology right around the corner?

Why Have I Been M.I.A.?

When I first started this blog, I promised myself that I will post regularly, if not daily. Unfortunately, I had absolutely zero time to post here this week and I didn’t want to ramble out a post at 3 a.m. because I do not trust my sleepy self to produce coherent sentences. (It’s actually 3:00 a.m. right now, so I apologize for any gibberish you might read in advance). And I just forgot what I was going to write about…

Oh! I remember now… So the reason I was M.I.A. for the past week is my other blog and personal commitments. I have been working on a post for that blog for 2 weeks – seriously – it took me 2 weeks to actually publish it. When I first thought about starting a blog, I never considered that it will be THAT time consuming, not that I am complaining, but I just wasn’t mentally prepared. I have been reading about other bloggers and their process for providing content to the public, just to figure out if there is a better way to accomplish a decent post with less time. Some bloggers say that it takes them an hour or two each day to come up, write up and edit the post before they hit the “publish” button. Not me. I probably spend 1 hour just editing and tweaking the final look of the post before I let anyone else see it. I will share the stages of my process here; perhaps someone has an idea on how I can shorten it?

Step 1.

Scribble in a notebook topics and ideas.

Step 2.

Begin to write by hand and when possible, re-type and complete the actual text for the post.

Step 3.

Shoot pictures relevant to the content or pick out pictures from the thousands I already have on my portable hard-drive.

Step 4.

Photoshop the chosen pictures into perfection and edit them to fit into the blog’s theme. This is the most time consuming part. Depends on the topic, but 20 pictures can take me up to 5 hours of some serious re-touching. I am not slow with Photoshop, I just like things to be perfect and that is very time consuming.

Step 5.

Put everything together in WordPress. Again, this takes me forever and god-forbid I have a genius idea to “animate” the post, so I end up spending hours figuring out how to HTML something in that post. Keep in mind that I have no clue about HTML and everything is a trial and error process.

Step 6.

Final touches – featured image, excerpt, description, keywords, categories and so on. Then I make sure that everything looks good on the front end of the site and I finally hit “publish”.

Step 7.

I go back re-read the post, and then I fix any errors I might have found. Once I am satisfied I share the post everywhere I possibly can – forums, g+ communities and social networks.

At this point I have spent about 10-15 hours on a regular post. If I am doing a “how to” post with pictures, then forget it – we are talking about 48+ hours per post. You might think this is crazy, but with a slight case of OCD and perfectionism, I absolutely have to make the posts perfect to the best of my abilities and that takes time. The interesting part is  that I get so involved in the process that I often forget to eat and sleep, when I finally get up of the chair, my legs are asleep and frozen in one position (not a pleasant few minutes).

That is why I haven’t posted anything here lately – I was doing one of those 48+ hour posts which turned into a 2 week project. I don’t even know if that post will receive any hits or feedback, but my goal is to “help” someone or at least make someone’s life easier just by a little bit through sharing information or experience I have had myself with whatever.

What is your process for creating a post? Does it take you as long as me or have you found a better way of accomplishing your blogging goals?

Facebook - to hate or not to hate?

I hate Facebook! Really, I do. At first it was this great way to stay in contact with people from “back in the day”, but now it is a constant reminder of me failing at life. Of course, I don’t blame Facebook for that, it’s just life was so much easier before everyone knew everyone’s business. Why not just delete my account, you say? Well, I have a lot of family overseas and Facebook is a great way for them to see pictures I upload so they can know what’s happening in my life. However, besides the family there are a 100 other people on my friend’s list and I am only friends with maybe 5 of them. The rest of the “friends” are people who I just feel it would   be socially unacceptable to delete. (Sigh)

Every time I log in, I get an instant reminder of how happy everyone else is and how miserable I actually am. Wasn’t life so much simpler back when we didn’t have to constantly see the happy faces of our childhood friends getting engaged, married, having babies and buying houses? I am surprised there isn’t much research to say that social media is the cause of the increase in depression and the use of relevant medications. Maybe this is part of the reason people seemed so much happier before the new millennium, before the internet and the viral world – kids played outside, pictures were printed and shared in person, when everyone from your childhood had no idea what your life became after high school graduation and how much less competition you felt all around you. Maybe it’s just me and everyone else is really as happy as they are on the pages of Facebook?

I probably sound like a 40 year old crazy and bitter cat lady. Well, I am not there yet, maybe a little crazy, maybe somewhat bitter, but I am not 40 and I do not have any cats. I am soon to be 30, which is probably the reason for me feeling all that pressure to show “success” in all parts of my life and since it’s not on Facebook for everyone to comment on, then it must be the case – I am failing at life and everyone I know knows about it. 

Do you ever feel this way about social media? Do you miss the days when your life was still private and only those people really close to you knew your business? Or is it just me?

Second Chances

There must be something off with analytics for Blogger, because I highly doubt that my one lonely little post was viewed 39 times since yesterday. I actually had a dream that the same post had 10 comments when I woke up, but at least I knew I was dreaming. These 39 visits are a mystery to me and my best guess is that I have been visited by a robot, well at least a robot likes me, that’s a plus.

Turns out, blogger is SO much easier to use than WordPress, or maybe it just seems to me that way after I battled the latter monster. Initially, I had no idea what a post was, so you can imagine how much of a beginner I truly was. However, I don’t regret putting in the time to learn WP since I really do enjoy making “websites” and watching them grow little by little.

As far as my post’s tittle “Second Chances” (in case you were wondering) – this is something I have been thinking about a lot lately and the conclusion I keep coming to is that nothing good ever comes from second chances. There are exceptions of course, but mostly it’s a bad idea, don’t do it. I have learned this lesson time and time again, especially when it comes to men and it’s just not worth it. I strongly believe that people don’t change, at the core that is – a bad person, will not grow into a good one and if you do see that happening there are two reasons:

1. A bad person began acting like a good one, but sooner or later they will revert back and it’s not a matter of “if” but of “when”.
2. A good person was pretending to be bad, but eventually got tired of it and went back to being him/herself.

So don’t let them fool you and don’t fool yourself, people don’t change. They do, however, learn to be better actors, users and liars. Just like the beloved Dr. House said “everybody lies”, so be careful out there and watch out of those sneaky people asking for second chances, because if you don’t learn to protect yourself – you are in for a world of hurt and I really hate when people are hurting so please don’t hurt me by hurting yourself.

Thank you in advance :)

New Beginnings

I must admit, starring at a blank page is truly terrifying, however, this must be done, so let's be brave. The alternative is me loosing my mind and I am not okay with that happening as of yet. Thus, let's begin...

I am very new to Blogger, but I do have a WordPress self-hosted blog, yet I do not want this blog to be about that blog. What I really need is for this one to remain anonymous more or less, because I need an outlet to my daily life and I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings while I am venting - why should others suffer in the moment of my weakness, right?

Keeping my identity hidden is probably not the best strategy for a successful blog, but it is not my intention to profit from this venture, so if you do ever see an ad on this blog, please know that despite all odds this bloggie is getting traffic and I am also completely broke. Let's just hope that it never happens (the second part I mean), so I won't have to plaster the same ad (that you see on every page you open) here as well. These "smart" ads are something though, 2 years ago I was in search of a new set of fine dining ware for a party I was hosting and ever since then, every web site I go to shows me advertisements for plates, fine china and dining sets. How many do they think I need?? Therefore, I plan to provide ad free environment on this blog for as long as I can.

Also, I should mention that regular posts are guaranteed, full honesty will be provided, life experience will be shared and I will be myself, more-so even than I can be on my other blog. I am hoping to make friends and built a community here, because I am seriously lacking a sense of togetherness in my life and would love to reestablish some lost faith in humanity and the world.

Now, will you join me?